A BYU alumna coaches parents on thriving through the teen years.
“The adults want connection. The kids want connection. Why is there this disconnect?” It’s a question that bothered Kristen Hill Duke (BS ’99) as her four children entered the teenage years.
Duke, who earned a degree in human development at BYU, remembers feeling distant and disconnected from her mother as a teen, even though her mother was “this great, intentional mom.” Duke wondered why that distance had developed even when she knew her mother loved her. She began to recognize unintended relational patterns that create distance between parents and teens—and notice when she was falling into those same patterns herself.
“I didn’t want a future where my kids simply tolerated me out of obligation,” she says. “I wanted them to enjoy my company, seek my advice, and feel emotionally safe around me—even as adults.”
This realization set Duke on a journey of discovery and personal reflection. She dug into research on parenting teens and listened closely when her teens expressed frustrations with their interactions with adults, including teachers.
And she discovered that success boils down to building trust with your teen.
Along the way Duke found her relationship with her children shifting. She began to treat their conversations as starting points for further interaction, discussion, and collaboration rather than opportunities to teach, instruct, or demand.
“I realized that if understanding these patterns helped me create a closer, healthier relationship with my own teens, it could absolutely help [others] too,” Duke says.
Today she shares the parenting insights she has gathered with others through social media and her podcast, TRUSTED by Your Teenager, as well as through courses, workshops, and coaching.
“Becoming trusted is about becoming emotionally safe,” she says. “I want to be someone that my teenager feels safe talking to, [someone] they feel like they can trust.” Duke says that means the teen is able to share “the good, the bad, the happy, the sad” without the parent rushing to fix and direct and make it all better. Instead, she encourages parents to validate—seeking to be understanding of teens’ perspectives without necessarily agreeing or condoning their actions.
Her main goal is building parental confidence. “No matter what my teenager does, I can stay steady,” Duke says. “The magic is, when you respond differently to whatever it is that they’re doing, . . . [they] start to open up and actually care about what you have to say.”
When she first decided to share teen parenting advice online, Duke had to grapple with not being the “perfect” mother of teens herself. How could she position herself as a role model when she still made parenting mistakes? But she discovered that honestly sharing her shortcomings made her content genuine and relatable.
Ultimately, she says, the goal isn’t to produce perfect teens. “It’s about helping [parents] become steady, emotionally regulated leaders, trusted no matter what decisions their teen makes.”
Duke wants parents to know that the teen years don’t have to be years when you just “put your head down and survive.” They can be fun, fulfilling, and full of connection. “They’re the training ground for adulthood,” she says. “On the other side of adolescence is a young adult who gets to choose the level of access you have to their life.”
When you forge a relationship with your teen based on mutual respect, Duke says, not only will your teen trust you, but you will trust them. And a trusting relationship is one that lasts.
