Do parents of multiple children really have a favorite?
Ask any two parents, and they’ll insist they love their children equally. But ask siblings, and you’re likely to hear a different story—complaints about who receives more attention, gets to stay out later with friends, or seems to be the golden child.
Is favoritism real, or is it just sibling rivalry at work? A new study from BYU family life professor Alexander C. Jensen (BS ’09) suggests that the answer to the favoritism question is yes, but not in the way you might think.
“It is helpful to take the findings from this study and be aware of the patterns that could be happening in your family,” says Jensen. “When parents are aware, they can make small adjustments that benefit everyone.”
To uncover these patterns, Jensen’s research analyzed data from more than 19,000 individuals across multiple studies, examining how parents perceive their relationships with their kids. The findings revealed that parents tend to favor daughters over sons. Additionally, younger siblings receive more favorable treatment from parents.
Birth order also plays a role. Firstborn children often receive more responsibility and face higher expectations from parents. Later-born children, especially daughters, tend to be viewed more affectionately.
Personality matters too. Agreeable, responsible children, regardless of gender or birth order, generally receive more favorable treatment.
“We’re not suggesting parents feel guilty; instead, parents can look at this research and use it as encouragement to look at places where they can improve,” Jensen says.
Jensen hopes his study sheds light on rarely discussed family dynamics and empowers parents to cultivate a balanced and supportive environment for the unique needs of each child. Here are four things parents can focus on to foster stronger family bonds.
1. Be mindful of how children are treated. Parents can regularly reflect on interactions with each child and whether they unconsciously show more warmth or set different expectations. “Your children will let you know if they think something is unfair,” says Jensen. “Pay attention to them when they make that known.”
2. It’s okay to treat individuals differently. “Sometimes parents get so concerned about treating their kids the same that they might overlook individual needs,” says Jensen. Just keep in mind that meeting individual needs isn’t the same thing as favoritism.
3. Avoid labels and comparisons. Even well-intentioned comments like “he’s the smart one” or “she’s the responsible one” can reinforce perceptions of favoritism. Rather, vocalize and praise each child’s individual strengths and encourage them without comparison.
4. Focus on time together. Jensen says one of the best ways to strengthen relationships with children is through quality time together. “Be patient with yourself and with your children,” he says. “Spend time together. Do things together that you [both] like to do. Work together, serve others together, worship together. Time together will have many positive benefits.”
